How voldemort was defeated by an asda lorry
by Lady Fuschia
Summary: in which Ron goes bald, draco gets high, Lucius kills santa and voldemort well you can tell from the title. sequel coming soon!
1. Default Chapter

**(A/N)**Hi! I hope u like this. It was inspired by Durendal and I think I took quite a lot from her/him but I just want her/him to know that that was only because I find her stories so amazing and funny. Please don't hate me. Luv lady Fuschia

**HOW VOLDEMORT WAS DEFEATED BY AN ASDA LORRY OTHER HIGHLY ABSURD STORIES**

"You see Harry I urggghh!"

"Professor?" Harry cried reaching over and slapping the headmaster in the face. Dumbledore jumped and climbed back onto his seat wiping a bit of drool from his chin.

"That will be all Harry." He announced, smoothing out his fuzzy grey beard.

"But Professor you said you had something important to tell me!" Harry protested but the headmaster was not listening instead he was clasping his wrinkled hands together and muttering "Sweet moonsugar…"

"Professor?" Harry asked.

"WHAT? I mean oh are you still here Potter, sorry James, sorry Harry?"

"Yes I am."

"WELL GO AWAY!" Dumbledore yelled, "Unless you have any moonsugar." He added as an afterthought.

Harry jumped to his feet and ran as fast as his trainers-decorated-in-golden-snitches could carry him.

And that is the story of how Harry Potter the Boy Who Lived gave up trying to talk to Dumbledore.

>>>>>>>>

Meanwhile in the Slytherin dungeons Draco Malfoy son of Voldermort's right hand man Lucius Malfoy sat on a green velvet chair writing a letter to his father.

_Dear fake father,_

_I am having a lovely new term at fake Hogwarts. The fake Professor Snape is as always treating me much better than he treats the other students. Everything seems normal apart from the fact that I have discovered that I am somehow in an alternate dimension. I only hope that this is some absurd evil, I mean, wonderful plot of yours. Please write back and tell me so. Tell fake mother I love her and tell those fake house elves to keep out of my fake room._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Real Draco_

Draco finished his letter and tied it to his owl's (named Die Harry die!) leg. The bird nipped his finger affectionately; Draco bashed it on the beak with a sledgehammer affectionately.

"Take this fake letter to my fake father." He told it using his most commanding voice.

"Now fly fake owl!"

Now Draco had come to the conclusion that he was in another reality because earlier that morning Hermione, the mudblood, had asked him out. Of course Draco had screamed "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" In answer to her question and had then run off as fast as his clog covered feet could carry him.

Draco had an obsession with clogs. He had two thousand and fifty pairs and loved to sit and admire them.

A few hours later Die Harry die arrived back at Hogwarts with a reply. Draco tore open the envelope and read:

_Dear Real? Draco,_

_The house elves need to go into your room to clean it so don't be absurd. About your belief that you are in an alternate reality, YOU ARE NOT SO STOP BEING A FREAK AND GET OVER IT!!!!. Your mother is well and so am I. We had the Dark Lord over for lunch yesterday and he told me of his wonderful new plan to kill that dumb bum Potter. Tomorrow at six o'clock you must have Potter waiting in the middle of the M6 motorway._

_Yours sincerely,_

_The Highly gorgeous and admired Lucius Malfoy_

"The Motorway?" cried Draco "What is the fake Voldemort thinking? How can I possibly get fake Potter on a motorway?"

And that is the story of how Draco Malfoy got a letter from his father, the highly gorgeous and admired Lucius Malfoy.

>>>>>>>>

The next day Harry Potter sat in his potions class trying to make a hair removal potion under the watchful eye of the sinister Professor Snape.

"Watch it Potter, six million points off Gryffindor for having glasses. And Granger a hundred million points off for bothering to exist!"

Ron shrugged; Professor Snape was in a very good mood for some unknown reason. Ron was in a good mood as well. Harry was failing in his task to make the potion while Ron was succeeding for once. It felt good to be better than Harry, the Boy Who Lived for once.

Snape arrived near Ron's cauldron and peered into it, his black eyes narrowing in annoyance. "Fifty points off for getting it absolutely right Weasley!" he growled before stomping away in anger.

Just then the door slammed open and Draco Malfoy waltzed in gracing everyone with a charming sneer before sitting down beside Crabbe and Goyle.

"DRACO MALFOY WHY ARE YOU LATE?" Professor Snape bellowed.

Draco looked at him for a second before answering "Well fake Professor Snape I have just discovered that I am in an alternate dimension but I am hoping to return to my own reality soon so I figured I could just slack off in this one."

Snape raised a greasy black eyebrow "I see Mr Malfoy." He said but what he really wanted to say was: You may be the son of the highly gorgeous and admired Lucius Malfoy but it doesn't change the fact that you are a freak in clogs!

Behind Snape's back Hermione blew a kiss at Draco who screamed in horror and fell off his seat.

"Uh, I think he's dead sir." Goyle grunted.

Snape sneered "Yes well, just leave him there."

At that the supposedly dead Draco sat up and glared at Snape "Fake Snape," he said. "If I were you I would treat me with a bit more respect unless you want to suffer the wrath of my father, the highly gorgeous and admired fake Lucius Malfoy!"

Snape rolled his eyes and pretended to tremble in fear. Draco growled at him.

"Well anyway let's check how the potions have turned out. NEVILLE we will test yours!"

A small fat boy who was red all over his podgy face came to the front of the class carrying a small vial of potion. "H…here it is P…P…Professor S…Snape," he said nervously.

Snape hissed at him and grabbed the potion. He then looked around the class for a volunteer. A couple of people put their hands but he ignored them, instead he chose someone who was trying to hide under the desk so as not to be picked.

"RON WEASLEY!" He yelled, "Get out here right now."

Ron walked to the front of the class grunting and moaning all the way.

"I will now test the potion!" Snape announced. He then proceeded to uncork the bottle and pour the potion over Ron's head.

For a moment the class was silent and then Draco Malfoy shrieked "Ha-ha! Look at fake Weasley's hair! It's gone! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

HahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahHAHAHA!"

"SHUT UP MR MALFOY!" Snape yelled. He turned to a terrified Neville "Two hundred points off for being an IDIOT!" Then he turned to Ron. "Weasley, ha-ha, erm ten points to Gryffindor for making me laugh! NOW GET BACK TO YOUR SEAT!!!"

Ron walked slowly back to his seat. Once there he reached up and touched his newly bald head, suddenly he was in a rather bad mood.

And that is the story of how Ron Weasley lost his hair.

>>>>>>>>

"I see you baby, shaking that ass, shaking that ass!"

Draco Malfoy whipped around his long blonde hair flying everywhere. "For Gods sake fake Granger I am not shaking my ass, I'm WALKING!"

Hermione winked at him and blew him another kiss. Draco screamed in frustration and ran into the Great hall.

A few seconds later Hermione, Harry and Ron (who was wearing a pair of tights on his head to cover the baldness) also entered the great hall and sat down for lunch at the Gryffindor table.

They sat down beside Ginny who was staring into space with wide saucer eyes and drooling slightly.

Ron waved his hand in front of her face "Yo Gin? Are you awake in there?" he asked.

Ginny blinked and wiped the drool from her chin "What? Yes master, I mean Ron. What's for eating?"

Ron, Harry and Hermione stared at her as if she were insane. Just then a cry erupted from the other side of the Great hall.

"Wow! Fake Pumpkin Juice!"

Harry rolled his eyes, "Malfoy." He muttered.

Hermione smiled dreamily "Malfoy," she sighed.

Ginny clasped her hands together "Sweet moonsugar, I mean Malfoy." She hissed.

Ron just stared at them.

Just then Draco fell off his seat with a loud "Hoo-hoo!"

Harry shook his head "What is going on in this school?" he asked no one in particular.

He began to eat his meal but was soon distracted by the fact that a bit of blonde hair was dangling in his soup. "Aaaaarghhh!" he screamed, turning around and coming face to face with Draco Malfoy.

"Hell-o fake Potter, nice to see you in the fake Great hall." Draco drawled.

"Hi Draco!" Hermione said flashing her most charming smile.

"I wasn't addressing you fake Granger." Draco said with a sneer. "Well fake Potter, I was wondering if you would like to meet me on the fake M6 motorway at six o'clock tonight." He said, "To die!" He added under his breath.

"WHAT?" Harry asked.

"For Pie?" Draco offered with an innocent smile.

"Pie?" said Harry, "I LOVE pie! I guess I will meet you but be warned if there is no pie I am going straight back to school!"

"OK" said Draco before he stomped away over the floor back to the Slytherin table.

"Oh Harry you have a date with Malfoy!" Hermione said sadly.

"NO I DON'T!" Harry yelled. "HE IS JUST GOING TO GIVE ME SOME PIE!"

Hermione grinned "Oh good." She said happily.

"Sweet moonsugar" Ginny hissed.

And that is the story of How Draco got Harry Potter to agree to meet him on the motorway.

>>>>>>>>

Later that afternoon Draco was writing another letter to his fake father.

_Dear fake father,_

_I have got fake Potter to meet me. We will be on the fake motorway at six o'clock as planned. I will not let the fake Dark lord down._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Real Draco_

Draco sent fake Die Harry die off with the letter and a few seconds later the owl arrived back with a note from his fake father.

It said:

_Dear Real Draco,_

_I AM NOT FAKE! You have done well. You did deserve your Dark mark after all. I'll see you tonight._

_Yours sincerely,_

_The highly gorgeous and admired Lucius Malfoy_

Draco read the letter, when he had finished he threw it in the fire and went back to playing his fake guitar. "Malfoy rocks yeah! Malfoy rocks yeah! Die Mudblood die! Malfoy Rocks yeah!" He sang. Draco's dream was to start a rock band when he left school. He would be the lead singer of course; he already looked the part with his long blonde hair. Of course he wasn't sure about this new reality. Did they even have such a thing as a rock band? Draco paused, horrified with this new thought. He placed his guitar down and ran out into the Slytherin common room.

"DO WE HAVE ROCK BANDS IN THIS REALITY?" he yelled very loudly, some of the first years cowered in fear.

The other Slytherins glared at him, how they wished he would get over his insane phase of believing that he was in an alternate dimension.

Finally Blaise Zabini answered him "Yes there are rock bands Draco. Do you want to try some moonsugar?" He asked offering a package of white powder to the smaller boy.

Draco sniffed at it, reassured by Blaise's words. "Yes fake Blaise I think I would like to try some fake moonsugar."

And that is the story of how Draco Malfoy was reassured that there were rock bands and how he tried his first ever sample of moonsugar.

>>>>>>>

At six o'clock Harry stood on the M6 motorway feeling very stupid. There were hardly any cars but when one did pass by the driver usually yelled "Why are you standing in the middle of the motorway you freak?"

Harry wasn't exactly sure why he had agreed to meet Malfoy; all he knew was that he loved pie.

He checked his watch and stamped his foot impatiently. Just then Draco Malfoy stumbled into sight looking spaced out and drooling.

"Hello fake Potter." He said addressing a metal pole.

"I'm over here Malfoy!" Harry said glaring at him.

"Of course you are fake Potter." Draco said now addressing a bit of loose tar.

"OVER HERE MALFOY!"

Finally Draco saw him and stumbled over laughing hysterically "Hee-hee fake Potter you look like a mushroom!"

"Are you alright?" Harry asked with a raised eyebrow.

"OOOH! Quite hunky dory thanks fake Potter. _Sweet moonsugar._ They're late." Draco said while starting to plait Harry's hair.

"Get off!" Harry said pushing the blonde boy away from him. "And who's late? And where is my pie?"

"Hee-hee PIE!" Malfoy shrieked. "Pie in the sky, fake Potter's going to die!"

"What are you talking about…?"

Just then big flash of light appeared over the motorway and two men appeared in front of Harry. One was very old and slimy looking with red slit eyes and a forked tongue. The other was tall, blonde and extremely handsome. One was the Dark Lord Voldemort and the other was the highly gorgeous and admired Lucius Malfoy.

Lucius frowned when he saw his son dancing around behind Harry. "Draco, come here." He said sharply.

Draco staggered over to his father and smiled "Hell-o fake moonsugar, I mean father."

"Draco you have drool on your chin." Lucius said handing his son a napkin. Draco then proceeded to eat the napkin. Lucius rolled his eyes.

"VOLDEMORT!" Harry gasped, he turned to Draco. "I knew you didn't say for some pie!"

"That's right Potter, it's me" Voldemort wheezed, coughing a little. "I am here to kill you!"

"Hee-hee look at that funny man fake daddy!" said Draco pointing to Voldemort.

Lucius glared at his son. "Be quiet, this is a very important part, and don't call me daddy!"

"I will defeat you!" said Harry confidently. "Because I AM THE BOY WHO LIVED!"

"Oh shut up." Voldemort said brandishing his wand. "PREPARE TO DIE HARRY POTTeeeeeeerglggrehaaaaaaaahgercrackcrushsnap."

Draco, Lucius and Harry all watched in amazement as the dark lord Voldemort was run over by an Asda Lorry.

Everyone was silent for a minute and then Lucius let out a very un-gentlemanly whoop.

"Yah-hoo! The old freak is dead! DEAD! DEAD! NOW I CAN RULE AS THE DARK LORD! POWER IS NOW MINE AND MINE ALONE!" He cried as he danced around Voldemort's dead body, his black cloak twirling out behind him.

Draco began to dance as well singing "Malfoy rocks yeah, Malfoy rocks yeah!"

Harry just stared.

Finally they stopped dancing and Lucius turned to the two boys looking very serious. "Now that that loser is dead I can take his place. Spread the word that I am the new Dark Lord. From now on Death Eaters shall be known as The Supporters of the Highly Gorgeous and Admired Lucius Malfoy."

"S.H.G.A.L.M for short" he added as an afterthought.

Then he disappeared with a poof of silver glitter.

"What a poof!" Harry said shaking the glitter out of his eyes.

"Wahoo!" Draco yelled.

And that is the story of how Voldemort was defeated by an Asda Lorry.

>>>>>>>>

The next day Ron headed down to breakfast in an extremely bad mood, this was expected however as he had just lost all of his hair in a potions experiment.

Harry was already in the hall as far as he knew and Hermione was upstairs applying make-up in another attempt to get Draco's attention.

He entered the Great hall and sat down beside Harry and Ginny. Harry was covered in Glitter and looked extremely exhausted and Ginny was drooling again.

"Are you guys alright?" He asked them.

Harry shrugged, the movement making a wave of glitter slide off his head and onto the table.

Ginny blinked and whispered "Sweet moonsugar, I love you sweet moonsugar."

Ron banged his shiny bald head off the table in frustration.

Just then Draco Malfoy entered the Great hall, shimmied up to Dumbledore, cried "Wahoo! Malfoy's rock! Fake moonsugar!" and kissed the headmaster on the head.

Dumbledore just sat there, drool trickling down his silver beard. Draco then proceeded to draw a chicken on Professor McGonagall's head before hopping over to his seat at the Slytherin table and slamming his head down with a cry of "SWEET MOONSUGAR!"

Everything was quiet for a few minutes before the hall gradually began to fill with sound again. "What the heck is going on with Malfoy?" Ron asked.

Harry shrugged and Ginny hid her face in her porridge.

Ron scowled, he wished Hermione would hurry up; she was the only sensible one left.

A second later Hermione arrived in the Great hall looking as though she had spread the entire contents of a make-up store over her face. She walked over to Malfoy who finally looked up.

"Hi Draco." She said shaking her hips and winking at him.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAsweetmoonsugarAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Draco cried before running out of the Great hall his blue clogged feet tapping loudly as he ran.

Hermione shrugged and walked over to the Gryffindor table. "I wonder what's up with him." she said as she sat down.

Ron just stared at her.

"Shmuglrrp." Ginny said from inside her porridge bowl.

Harry sneezed and a cloud of glitter appeared above the table before landing all over everyone's breakfast and Ginny's head.

"What is going on around here?" Ron asked, so far his sixth year at Hogwarts had been the weirdest experience of his life.

"It's the moonsugar." Hermione said matter-of-factly.

"What the heck is moonsugar; wait is that the stuff people like my sister, for example, keep muttering about?"

"Moonsugar a very sweet and addictive powder, everyone that takes it gets addicted. It makes you high." Hermione informed him while eating some glittery toast.

"How do you know?" Ron asked her suspiciously.

Hermione looked at him "I read it in Hogwarts: a History" she said.

"Oh of course, how stupid of me." Ron growled then he too put his face down in his porridge bowl.

And that is the story of how Ron Weasley discovered what moonsugar was.

>>>>>>>>>

Meanwhile Draco ran into his room and slammed the door shut behind him. How he wished fake Granger would just leave him alone. She was starting to scare him.

Draco took a packet of moonsugar that fake Blaise had given him and shoved the whole thing into his mouth. He swallowed and then sighed. "Ah sweet moonsugar." He hissed.

Just then he noticed a rather large golden key lying on his bed. Being a bit of an idiot he walked over and picked it up. As a familiar tugging sensation overcame him Draco realised that he had just picked up a portkey.

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!" he cried as the world around him started to spin.

A few seconds later he landed with a loud thump on a hard marble floor. He looked around. He seemed to be in a large black marble chamber lit by torches of green fire. At the end of the chamber there was a large silver throne decorated with an intricate serpent made of glittering diamonds. Upon the throne sat the highly gorgeous and admired Dark Lord Lucius Malfoy, filing his nails.

"Moonsugar, I mean fake father this is not Malfoy manor! Where am I?"

"THIS IS OUR NEW HOUSE. IT IS THE MALFOY PALACE!" Lucius informed his son.

Draco winced. "Really," he said "How nug, I man nice, I nan mice, I mean NICE!" Damn that moonsugar really rattled your brain.

"SHOW ME YOUR ARM!" Lucius ordered.

"Er yes fake father." Draco said pushing up the sleeve of his right arm.

"THE ARM WITH THE DARK MARK ON IT YOU IDIOT!" Lucius said rolling his silver eyes and adjusting his large golden crown.

Draco winced again and pushed his other sleeve up. He was horrified to see that instead of a skull symbol he now had a large red love heart with the name 'Lucius' written inside it emblazoned across his arm. He looked at his father who was smirking.

"Moon, fake shoe, I mean fake father hee-hee. What this is?...I mean what is this?"

"THAT IS THE NEW DARK MARK. EVERY MEMBER OF S.H.G.A.L.M NOW HAS ONE."

"Fake father what is up with the booming voice?" Draco asked curiously.

"IT CAME WITH THE HOUSE. NOW MY SON YOU ARE TO BE MY NEW SECRETARY. YOU WILL LEAVE SCHOOL IMMEDIATLEY AND COME AND WORK IN MY OFFICES!"

"WAHOO!" Draco yelled.

And that is the story of how Draco Malfoy left school to become his father's secretary.

>>>>>>>>

Later that afternoon Harry was walking along the corridor to his potions class leaving a trail of glitter as he walked. Ron and Ginny were walking behind him, both still covered in porridge. Hermione was sobbing as she had found out that Draco, her one true love had left Hogwarts forever.

As Harry turned to enter the classroom it blew up.

"We'll it's a good thing there was no one else in there!" He said.

"Umph." Agreed Ron.

Later on Harry, Ron, Ginny and a still sobbing Hermione were walking to their Defence against the Dark Arts lesson when a flaming arrow flew out of nowhere and narrowly missed Harry's head.

"That was close." Harry said.

"Doesn't it bother you?" Ron asked.

"Doesn't what bother me?"

"THE FACT THAT SOMEONE IS TRYING TO KILL YOU!" Ron yelled.

"Where did you get that idea?" Harry asked.

Just then Draco Malfoy ran up to Harry with a big silver knife clutched in his pale hand. Harry stepped to the side and Draco ran into the wall.

"Urrrg!" he said as he fell to the floor.

Harry looked at the unconscious boy and said "I see what you mean."

"He's back!" Hermione squealed before kneeling down and hugging the unconscious Draco tightly.

"Let's take him back to the dorm for interrogation." Harry said.

The others nodded and Harry lifted Draco over his shoulder and carried him to the dorm. The others followed close behind leaving a trail of porridge and glitter.

Once in the dorm Harry set the unconscious Draco down on the bed. They all stared at him until Ron suggested "Should we wake him up?"

"How?" Harry asked. "He's out cold, the stupid git."

"I know." said Ron before disappearing off to the bathroom. A few seconds later he re-emerged carrying two pails of water. He set one down on the floor and then proceeded to empty the other over Draco.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Draco screamed.

"YOU'RE ALIVE!" Hermione yelled before hugging him. Draco screamed again and pushed her off. He was about to open his mouth when another bucket of water hit him.

"Dammit! I'm already awake fake Weasley!"

"I know," Ron said sheepishly. "That was just because I hate you."

Draco was about to say something but then he realized exactly where he was and who was there with him. "WHY AM I IN FAKE GRIFFINDOR TOWER WITH YOU LOSERS?" He asked politely.

"We are not LOSERS!" Harry yelled right back in his face.

"YES YOU ARE!"

"NO WE'RE NOT!"

"YES YOU ARE!"

"NO WE'RE NOT!"

"WILL YOU TWO SHUT THE HELL UP?" Ron yelled his porridge covered face turning red with anger. "Did you forget why we brought the Ferret here?"

"Hey!" Draco said objecting to being called a ferret.

"I don't think you're a ferret, sweetie." Hermione said stroking his soft blonde hair.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Draco cried in horror at being called sweetie by a Mudblood with big front teeth.

Behind them Ginny fell backwards with a cry of "Sweet moonsugar!"

"Why did you bring me here anyway fake Potter?" Draco asked with a fabulously excellent sneer.

"WHY HAVE YOU BEEN TRYING TO KILL ME ALL MORNING?" Harry yelled angrily showering the smaller boy with glitter.

"You noticed?" Draco asked looking shocked, innocent and evil all in one go.

"OF COURSE HE NOTICED YOU BLOODY IDIOT!" Ron yelled in Draco's ear.

"You don't have to shout fake Weasel, I'm not deaf!"

Ron muttered something under his breath that sounded like 'yeah right' and Draco punched him on the nose.

"Oww!"

"Gross, now I have fake porridge on my knuckles." Draco moaned oblivious to the death glares of both Harry and Ron.

"Would you care to tell me," Harry began. "Just why you were trying to kill me this morning?"

"No." Draco said.

"WELL TELL ME ANWAY!" Harry yelled losing his temper. Now that Voldie was dead he didn't really have anyone to take out his pent up anger on so it just kept appearing in short bursts especially when he was talking to obnoxious blonde boys.

Draco opened his mouth to answer but before he could he became distracted by Ginny who was opening an extra large packet of moonsugar.

"Sweet moonsugar." He hissed with a truly demonic look on his face. Then he sprang to his feet and jumped over to where Ginny was standing and before Harry or Ron could stop him he had swallowed the whole packet. Then he passed out again.

"Arrrrgh! Did he just take the whole packet?" Hermione wailed.

"What are you blind or something?" Ron snapped in annoyance.

"That is way more than it is safe to take; the effects won't wear off for, well, a really, really long time!"

"I thought she was supposed to be smart?" Ron muttered.

"Great! Now we'll never be able to have a sensible interrogation. What did you have to open that in front of him for?" Harry said glaring a Ginny who was prodding the unconscious Draco with a stick.

"Sweet moonsugar?" she asked innocently.

"Argh!" Harry cried before banging his head off the wall repeatedly.

And that is the story of how Harry Potter ended up with an unconscious, drugged up Draco Malfoy on his dormitory floor.

>>>>>>>>>

Later on that evening after Harry, Ron and Ginny had showered and removed the porridge and glitter they went back into the boy's dorm to fetch Hermione who had been taking care of the unconscious Draco all day.

"Time for dinner Hermione." Ron said.

"Come on." Said Harry.

"Chicken." offered Ginny.

"Are you sure it's alright to leave him?" Hermione said fretfully, "He's just an ickle wickle blonde boy!"

"Ron made a sick motion with his hand and glared at her "I can't believe you have a crush on the ferret!"

"COME ON! I'm starving." Harry said.

Hermione sighed and kissed Draco on the head before following her friends out of the room. She didn't know why she loved Draco; she just knew that she couldn't resist his nasty blonde, stick insect charms.

They arrived in the Great hall and sat down; all around them the pupils were either whispering about moonsugar or moaning about the unfairness of Snape's teaching.

Harry grabbed a bowl of tomato soup and had just begun to eat it when a blonde woman dressed in a swimsuit saying 'Lucius Rocks' handed him a leaflet.

"Thanks…" he said. She grinned at him and proceeded to move on down the table handing out leaflets to everyone she passed. Harry raised his eyebrows and began to read.

S.H.G.A.L.M

(Supporters of the Highly Gorgeous and Admired Lucius Malfoy)

Now that Voldemort is dead the highly gorgeous and admired Lucius Malfoy has taken his place as Dark lord. He invites you all to join S.H.G.A.L.M, the new Death Eaters. Once you have joined, as well as being able to kill Mudbloods and Muggles at random you will also be provided with your own company house (equipped with a dungeon, perfect for those torture sessions), broomstick and one (faithful) minion. So come your nearest recruiting station (Hogsmeade Post office) and join today. All people under twenty will receive a free quill!

"Right!" Harry said, beside him Ron began to bang his head on the table and Hermione tutted and tore up the sheet.

"Well it's a good thing Draco isn't anything like his father." She said.

Harry just stared at her.

"Can't Dumbledore do anything about this?" Harry said gesturing to the S.H.G.A.L.M leaflet.

"I don't think so." Ron said pausing his head banging for a moment.

"Why not?"

"Have you seen him recently?"

Harry looked up at the teachers table. Dumbledore was sitting is his chair not moving at all. His skin had gone a funny blue colour and drool was pouring down his chin. Beside him sat Professor McGonagall who still had the chicken on her head from when Draco had drawn it.

"This is ridiculous. I'm beginning to think Malfoy's right about this being an alternate universe."

Harry got no answer. Hermione overcome with need to see Draco had run back up to the dormitories screaming "I'm coming my beautiful blonde baby!" Ron had disappeared and Ginny well, there was no sense in talking to her.

"Ron?" Harry said. "Where have you gone?"

And that is the story of how Ron Weasley disappeared during dinner.

>>>>>>>>

Meanwhile in the Malfoy Palace:

"I am the best, so much better than the rest.

I am so pretty, strong and smart and witty!" sang the highly gorgeous and admired Dark Lord Lucius Malfoy as he tried on a new crown. How he loved gazing into the mirror.

Lucius sat the jewel encrusted crown on his head and twirled admiring his new purple velvet robes in the mirror. "Perfect." He said. When he had been a Death Eater he had only been permitted to wear black but now that he was the Dark lord he could wear anything he wanted and do anything he wanted.

He checked his watch. He had sent his son on the simple mission of killing Harry Potter at five o'clock that morning and he still had not returned. He sneered at his son's incompetence. Draco was not a worthy heir to the Malfoy name. Yes he was pretty but he was anorexic, stupid and addicted to moonsugar and he wanted to be a rock star. That in Lucius' opinion was not a good aim in life.

Just then he heard a sound in the hallway. Lucius froze in his musings, Narcissa was home!

"Hello darling." A cool voice said from the doorway of the throne room.

Lucius cringed and turned around slowly.

"That wouldn't be a crown upon your head would it?" she said silkily.

"Er…maybe."

"And you haven't just pulled our under achieving son out of the only hope he has left (Hogwarts) to be your personal secretary have you?" now there was danger in her voice.

"Er…maybe."

"AND YOU HAVEN'T JUST SIGNED YOURSELF UP AS THE NEW DARK LORD AND STARTED RECRIUTING FOLLOWERS HAVE YOU?"

"Er…yes?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"I go away for two days, TWO DAYS, and I come back to find that my husband is the new lord of Darkness and my son is a drugged up high school drop out!" Narcissa stomped over to her husband and glared him straight in the eye. "You are nothing but trouble." She said.

Lucius snarled and pushed her away. "HOW DARE YOU ADMONISH ME, VERMIN!" he said flipping on his voice magnifier.

Narcissa rolled her ice blue eyes. "Whatever, I'm making tomato soup for dinner. IT WILL BE SERVED AT EIGHT O'CLOCK!" she yelled into his ear.

Lucius winced and she stomped out of the throne room leaving her husband holding his ear in pain.

"I'M NOT DEAF YOU KNOW!" He yelled after her.

When no answer came the highly gorgeous and admired Lucius Malfoy shrugged and turned back to his preening.

And that is the story of how the highly gorgeous and admired Dark Lord Lucius Malfoy was told off by his wife Narcissa.

>>>>>>>>>

Harry frowned, the nearer he got to his dormitory the louder the monkey sounds got. "What is that noise?" he wondered.

He tentatively reached out a hand and opened the door. He was greeted with the sight of an extremely high Draco Malfoy leaping about the room wearing Hermione's pink dress and making monkey noises.

"I can't get him to stop." Hermione said. "He doesn't even seem to realise I'm here."

"Malfoy?" Harry said tapping the boy on the shoulder. "Are you okay?"

"Why yes fake flowerpot I'm quite alright. Have you seen the daisies? Miss Jefferson told me they were rather ill. Ooh ooh ooh!" Draco said addressing Harry's foot.

"Flowerpot?" Harry asked in disbelief. This was all he needed.

Draco walked over to Harry's bed and picked up the pillow "Dear me, you can't go out like that. You don't look like a mushroom at all. Sweet moonsugar. I can't marry you if you aren't a mushroom." He said earnestly addressing the pillow the whole time.

"Why is he wearing your dress?" Harry asked.

Hermione shrugged "I don't know. I came in and he was hanging off the lampshade singing 'the hills are alive with the sound of moonsugar' and wearing my dress."

Just then Ginny came in and fell on the floor.

"Where's Ron?" Hermione asked.

"I have no idea, he disappeared during dinner."

Just then Draco kissed Harry's hand "How do you do your fake highness? My name is Peter Pan here have some fake broccoli." He then proceeded to give Harry a bit of fur from the rug.

"Your name is Draco Malfoy." Harry said.

"Of course it is my love, lets go to fake Paris I've heard it's wonderful in spring. But then its winter isn't it? Oh my monkey. Well what a fine ice man you are I do believe that there is a house on your head. Is that the time my goodness I have to go and feed the chickens. Sweet moonsugar. I'll see you at the raffle yes don't worry I'll bring the cheese. Have some gravy while I'm gone why don't you."

Then Draco walked out of the dorm and down the stairs, still muttering as he went.

"What a freak." Harry said.

"He is still wearing my dress!" Hermione moaned.

And that is the story of how Draco Malfoy came to be wearing a frilly pink dress.

>>>>>>>>

The next morning Harry awoke to the sound of the dormitory door being opened quietly. He sat up and opened his bed hangings wondering who could be sneaking in at six am.

He gasped, it was Ron and with Ron was some other person…thing.

"Ron? Who is that?" Harry asked.

The person or rather thing was tall with blue skin and long black hair and bright red eyes.

"Oh, hi Harry. This is my, uh, minion. His name is Eclipse."

"YOUR WHAT? Ron, did you join S.H.G.A.L.M?" Harry asked, his eyes bulging out of his head.

"Well yeah, but don't worry I won't help them at all. I just wanted my own personal minion. And watch, he's so efficient, Eclipse go and slap Neville."

The minion Eclipse nodded and walked over to Neville's bed, opened the hangings and slapped the sleeping boy. "Neville has been slapped Master." He said to Ron.

"See!" Ron said to Harry in delight.

"Yes very fabulous." Harry said. "Now where is Hermione?"

"At breakfast, speaking of her, where is the ferret?"

"Oh, he woke up, put on Hermione's dress and ran off talking about gravy." Harry got dressed and accompanied Ron and the minion Eclipse down to breakfast.

They arrived at the Great hall to the sight of Draco Malfoy (still in the pink dress) ballroom dancing across the floor with a very angry looking Snape.

"Release me Mr Malfoy!" Snape ordered, his normally pale cheeks red with embarrassment.

"Why fake Snape, isn't this nuf, unf, I mean fun? You're my true fake teacher!"

"Oh, the humiliation." Ron said before he, Harry and the minion Eclipse sat down beside a spellbound Hermione and a drooling Ginny.

"I wish he would dance with me like that." Hermione sighed.

Draco was now spinning Snape up in the air above his head and crying "Sweet moonsugar is my life; I will make it my wife!"

"He's pretty strong for a skinny pretty boy." Ron said. The minion Eclipse nodded and tried to eat Ron's hand. "No Eclipse! I'm not going to tell you again, you don't eat me!"

Finally Snape escaped Draco's grasp and ran off to hide behind Dumbledore at the teacher's table.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Draco screamed before running out of Hogwarts and back to Malfoy Palace.

"Oh no he's gone again!" Hermione wailed before starting to cry.

"Cheer up Hermione after all it is Christmas Eve. Time of joy and all that." Ron said with a friendly smile while slapping the minion Eclipse who was trying to eat his ear.

"Yes maybe Santa will give me Draco for Christmas!" Hermione said a glazed look coming over her eyes.

"Maybe he'll give you a damn brain." Harry said.

"Sweet moonsugar." Ginny hissed.

"Have some soup Harry." said Ron handing his friend a large bowl of steaming tomato soup.

"Thanks." Harry said. He was getting tired of always eating tomato soup. Couldn't the house elves cook anything else apart from tomato soup and porridge?

"Ron where has your left arm gone?" Harry asked in confusion.

"Oh, my minion ate it."

"Right."

The minion Eclipse smiled evilly and then bit off Ron's left ear.

"No Eclipse!" Ron said firmly.

"Oh no!" Hermione cried. "We're late for potions."

"So is Snape." Harry pointed out. "He's still hiding behind Dumbledore."

Strangely, Snape seemed to hear this comment and he straightened up and glared at Harry. "Everyone get to class, NOW!"

Five minutes later Harry, Hermione, Ginny, Ron and the minion Eclipse were sitting in the back row of the Potions classroom looking nervous.

"Why is Ginny here, I thought she was in the year below us?"

"Shut up Harry."

"RIGHT class! I HATE you ALL! Six million points off everyone for coming to my class!" Snape said glowering at everyone from behind his cauldron (he was still sacred of Draco even though he had left).

"But Sir you ordered us to come to class." Hermione pointed out earnestly.

"SHUT UP! Ten million points for being right and stop drawing Malfoy on your parchment!"

"Heehee." Ron said looking at Hermione's picture.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Hermione cried.

"This is getting ridiculous." Harry said. Ginny nodded in agreement and Harry glared at her "What are you nodding at? You're just as bad."

Ginny nodded again and then fell asleep.

"DON'T FALL ASLEEP IN MY CLASS!" Snape yelled peering over the top of the cauldron.

This had no effect on Ginny who snored and rolled onto the floor.

Snape stuck his head in the cauldron.

"You can all leave." He said from inside the cauldron.

"YEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" Yelled the whole class as they ran out of the room.

"What shall we do now?" said Ron looking at his friends as they all stood in the corridor outside potions. Just then a book hurled through the air and hit Harry on the forehead.

"Oww!" What was that?" Harry said picking up the book and examining it.

"Tom Riddle's diary? I thought we destroyed that?" Ron asked in confusion.

Harry opened the book, there was a message inside which read:

_Dear Harry,_

_I am so lonely down here with just my dead snake for company. Please come and join me for a cup of tea at one in the afternoon on Christmas Eve._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Tom Riddle._

_P.S Don't bring your wand._

"Does he think I'm stupid?" Harry asked. "It's obvious that he doesn't want me to bring my wand so that he can attack me."

"Are you going to go?" Hermione asked fearfully.

"Yes, but I'm taking my wand."

Ginny growled and ate the diary.

And that is the story of how Harry Potter got an invitation to tea from Tom Riddle.

>>>>>>>>>>>

The highly gorgeous and admired Dark lord Lucius Malfoy sat on his throne sipping a drink of coke. His crown was tipped at a jaunty angle and his thin lips were curled up in a sneer.

The object of his sneer was his son Draco who was currently acting out the whole of the film 'Moulin Rouge' but changing everyone's name to 'Sweet moonsugar' as well as adding a few 'fakes' here and there. And for some strange reason his son (the bane of Lucius' existence) was wearing a frilly pink cocktail dress.

"DRACO!" He said sharply (the voice magnifier was on again).

The boy jumped and looked at his father "Yes fake cow lord, I mean sheep head, no that's not right er… jelly pop?"

"FATHER!" Lucius yelled getting a bit annoyed. Where did his son get these drugs from?

"Yes fake father?" Draco said giving Lucius a salute.

"I AM NOT FAKE! DID YOU KILL HARRY POTTER?" Lucius asked crossing his fingers for luck.

"Who's he?" Draco said while eating a crayon.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!" Lucius cried making a mental note to tell the house elves to stop leaving their crayons on the throne room floor. Was his son good for anything?

Lucius leaped impressively off his throne and grabbed Draco by the neckline of his dress.

"HE IS THE BOY I SENT YOU TO KILL TWO DAYS AGO YOU DAMN IMBECILE!"

"Oh him. _Sweet moonsugar. _No I did not kill him but I do have his fake pillow." And with that Draco handed his father a large white pillow.

"WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT?" Lucius yelled, steam literally coming out of his ears.

"Put it on your deb?" Draco suggested.

"MY WHAT?"

"Oh sorry fake father, I mean ebd, no BED!" Then Draco began to do cartwheels around the throne room.

"GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" Lucius began to smack his head off the wall but then he realised that might damage his face and so he banged an unsuspecting house elf off the wall instead.

And that is the story of how a house elf working at the Malfoy palace ended up with a splitting headache.

>>>>>>>>>

Harry sighed as his robes caught on the metal railings for the fifth time. He was climbing down the passage in the sinks to visit Tom Riddle. He was pleased to see that someone had taken the time to put metal steps in. The old way of just falling down was very dangerous.

He reached the bottom and dusted his robes off. Someone had also cleaned away all the bones from the floor. In fact the whole place was much cleaner than it had been before.

He made it into the big chamber with the stone snakes in no time at all. "Tom?" He shouted. There was no answer and then a small figure appeared at the side of the giant stone head. It was the black haired figure of Tom Riddle but for some reason he was wearing a kitchen apron.

"Hello Harry, please sit down." He gestured to a little table set with afternoon tea. "I've been cleaning up a bit as you've noticed. I thought since I have to live here I'd better make it a bit more comfortable eh?"

"Uh huh." Harry said taking a biscuit.

"NOT THAT ONE!" Tom yelled his eyes turning red.

"Okay, sorry." said Harry taking a different biscuit.

"Oh that's alright Harry, an easy mistake." Tom said while sitting down on the opposite side of the table.

"Now," he said, his eyes glowing. "Did you bring your wand?"

"Yes." Harry said.

"WHAT?" Tom yelled choking on his biscuit.

Harry just raised his eyebrow at him. "I'm not stupid you know."

"Of course you aren't. So how is the other me doing? Has he taken over the world yet?"

"No. he was run over by an Asda lorry." Harry said taking a sip of tea.

"WHAT?" Tom yelled choking on his tea.

"Yep, he's dead. Lucius Malfoy is the new Dark lord."

"HIM? He's blonde! Oh this is a disaster and it's all your fault Potter!" Tom hissed before jumping of the table and attempting to strangle Harry.

"Get off!" Harry choked kicking the hissing boy off him. Tom landed on the floor and looked up, glaring at Harry through his curly black fringe.

"I'll get you for this Potter!" Tom promised while making a note of it in his (other) diary.

"Oh sod off, I'm leaving." Harry said grabbing a couple of biscuits and leaving the chamber. Behind him he heard Tom shout:

"Hey! You took my favourite biscuits! I was mad at you before Potter but now I'm really pissed off!"

Harry had just finished closing the sinks when Lupin walked into the bathroom.

"Hello Harry," he said. "What have you been up to?"

"I just had tea with Tom Riddle in the Chamber of Secrets." Harry said while chewing on a biscuit.

"Ah, very good. Well I'll see you later. Merry Christmas Harry."

"Merry Christmas Sir." Harry answered.

Lupin nodded and walked into one of the toilets shutting the door behind him.

And that is the story of how Harry Potter became number one on Tom Riddle's very long list of people to kill.

>>>>>>>>>

Later that night the highly gorgeous and admired Dark lord Lucius Malfoy stood in his throne room gazing out of the window. Draco stood behind him braiding his father's smooth blonde hair.

Lucius was ignoring him, it was hard but he was managing it all the same. Just then a shadow appeared in front of the moon. It was a sleigh and reindeers.

"Draco what is that?" Lucius asked, pointing out the window (he had turned off the voice magnifier).

"That fake father, is Claus Santa, I mean Santa Claus." Draco said while finishing off the last of the braids and sticking some white flowers in his father's hair.

"Pass me that gun." Lucius said.

Draco passed him a bit of cheese.

"THE GUN!" Lucius yelled exasperatedly.

After a couple of tries Lucius finally had the gun in his hand. He lifted it, aimed and shot.

"OWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Santa Claus screamed as he fell out of his sleigh.

"Heh heh heh." Lucius said putting the gun down on the window sill. "Draco, go and wrap up the most disgusting things you can find! I'm taking over Christmas!"

Draco nodded and walked into a wall.

Lucius looked at his unconscious son. "Fine, I'll do it myself."

And that is the story of how the highly gorgeous and admired Dark Lord Lucius Malfoy killed Santa and took over Christmas.

>>>>>>>>

Around midnight Harry was lying in his bed trying to get to sleep. However this seemed to be impossible as there were so many things distracting him.

All he could hear from Ron's side of the room was:

"Stop eating my toes Eclipse, I told you to sleep on the floor!"

All that came from Ginny was the constant hissing of the words "Sweet moonsugar."

And from what Harry could make out from Hermione's mumblings she was dreaming about eating chicken with Draco.

Plus there was the fact that it was Christmas and he was excited about getting a new broomstick from Santa.

Just then he heard a noise coming from inside the chimney:

"God damn this is dirty it's going to ruin my hair."

Harry recognised that haughty English accent. He grabbed his wand and jumped out of bed coming face to face with the highly gorgeous and admired Dark lord Lucius Malfoy.

"What are you doing here?" Harry asked.

"I've taken over Christmas." Lucius said with a smirk.

"Did you bring me a new broomstick?" Harry asked hopefully, crossing his fingers.

"No, but I did bring you some…" He rummaged around in his sack. "SEAWEED!"

"Thanks." Harry said taking the slimy green seaweed that was currently being tossed at him.

"My pleasure! Muah ha ha ha haaa!" Lucius cried before crawling back up the chimney.

"What was that?" Neville asked. "Has Santa Claus been Harry?"

"No but Father Malfoy has been and he left us some seaweed and a tomato for some reason."

"Yey! Tomato and seaweed soup!" Neville cried.

Harry rolled his eyes, only Neville could accept seaweed as a decent Christmas present.

"This sucks." said Ron who had also woken up along with Hermione, Ginny and Eclipse.

"I didn't get Draco!" Hermione wailed.

"I doubt Mr Malfoy would give you his son, stupid." Ron snapped.

"I think we should get him!" Hermione said.

"Yeah!" Harry agreed.

"Yeah!" said Ron. "But I can't actually attack him since I'm a member of S.H.G.A.L.M."

Harry rolled his eyes and then noticed something strange on Ron's remaining arm. "Ron what is that?" He asked gesturing to a red heart tattoo with the word Lucius written inside it.

"Oh, that's the symbol of S.H.G.A.L.M." Ron said looking a bit embarrassed.

"Well it's stupid." Harry announced.

Just then Hermione gasped. "Look, Mr Malfoy's sleigh has crashed outside near the lake!"

"Well that's a piece of luck." Harry said. The others nodded and they all made their way out of Hogwarts and down to the lake.

Lucius looked up as he heard footsteps approaching the wrecked sleigh. He swore under his breath and stood up.

"Hell-o children." He said with a smile (well as much of a smile as he could muster, his face was normally frozen in a smirk or a sneer).

"Mr Malfoy I have come to kill you for taking over Christmas and giving me seaweed. So has everyone else except Ron but he's still angry." Harry said, beside him Ron nodded at his words.

"And what makes you think you can kill me Potter?" Lucius asked, reverting back into a sneer.

"BECAUSE I AM THE BOY WHO LIVED!" Harry said puffing up his chest.

"Oh get off your high horse." Lucius said eyeing the saviour of the wizarding world with disdain.

Just then Draco wandered over and slapped Harry in the face. "How could you leave me fake Potter? And our fake daughter? I had to sell her to fake PIRATES just to earn some money!"

Harry stared at him. "What are you talking about?" he asked.

"Draco get over here." Lucius said.

"Do you have some fake sweet moonsugar?" Draco asked.

"NO!" Lucius yelled.

Draco shrugged his shoulders at him and turned back to Harry. He slapped him again and said "MY FAKE CHEESE IS COLD!"

"What?" Harry asked becoming very confused.

"IT'S YOUR FAKE CHEESE AS WELL! YOU NEED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT!"

Behind them Ginny fell down a hole.

"Oh! My sweet Draco!" Hermione cried running forward to hug her true love.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!" Draco screamed. Hermione lunged forward and he ran back wards right into the giant lake squid's mouth.

"MY SON!" Lucius cried in alarm. Then he got over it. "Well I'll be going then, see you all next Christmas! Muah ha ha ha haaa!" He said as he jumped on his broom and soared off into the night.

And that is the story of how Harry Potter became confused and Draco Malfoy was eaten by a giant squid.

>>>>>>>>

Back at Malfoy palace the highly gorgeous and admired Dark Lord Lucius Malfoy snuck in through the window and sat down on his throne. He was glad Narcissa had not discovered he was missing.

"Eh hem."

"AARRGGHH!" Lucius cried. Narcissa was standing right in front of him and she was looking very angry indeed.

"Did you just kill Santa Claus and take his place and give everyone, including me, seaweed for Christmas?" She asked him silkily.

"Er…no?"

"Then how come I found a dead Santa Claus on the lawn and seaweed under the tree?" she asked, her eyes glowing scarily.

"Well…"

"AND WHERE IS OUR SON?" she screamed in his face.

"In a squid." Lucius said wincing at the expression on her face.

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" Narcissa yelled. Lucius jumped off his throne and started to run. "Oh no you don't!" Narcissa said before chasing after him. "You aren't getting away this time!" she cried.

And that is the story of how the highly gorgeous and admired Dark Lord Lucius Malfoy ended up being chased around the throne room by his wife, Narcissa Malfoy.

>>>>>>>

Meanwhile outside Hogwarts:

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Draco cried as he landed on his butt in the snow. The squid had spat him back out on account of his tasting like hairspray and perfume.

"Hello fake father," he said addressing a flower. "Let' go and get some cookies."

_THE END_

_(A/N) please review!!!!!!_


	2. preview for the sequel

(A/N) hello, just a little advert in the form of a poem for the sequel  
which could possibly be called Harry Potter and The Curse of The Moonsugar.  
  
Ron spends his days envelope licking,  
With his minion Eclipse who needs a good kicking,  
Hermione is the Minister of Magic,  
She believes Draco is dead, oh how tragic!  
Harry is worthless, a bum on the street,  
No one will help him get back on his feet,  
Draco is in the mountains, high and lost,  
He got seven wishes from the Devil, his soul was the cost,  
Lucius is evil that's nothing new,  
He's running for Prime Minister, oh lord is that true?  
Narcissa, as cold as a pane of glass,  
Thinks her husband is a huge jackass,  
Harry discovered Lucius's plan,  
No one will help him, he hasn't even got a fan,  
Ron is head of Lucius's publicity campaign,  
He doesn't like to admit this, it causes him shame,  
Hermione knows too and has nothing but scorn,  
She has other things to do, Draco to mourn,  
And as for Draco he's as happy as can be,  
For he no longer has to buy moonsugar, he gets high for free,  
And as for Ginny, her parents are proud cos she's rich,  
She made it of drug dealing, ssssh! Don't snitch! 


End file.
